Unfortunately, this is a true story.

All jokes aside, please proceed with gentle caution. The events that will be outlined in this space are sensitive in nature and could be very triggering.

Unfortunately, I am that friend. That friend whose life is the most outrageous compilation of unfortunate events, bad timing, bad choices, plot twists, plot plants, potted plants. I am getting distracted. I’ve always been told I talk too much. When I was a child, my mother used to refer to me as the mouth of the south (derogatory - more on that later) and my starter husband (derogatory - more on that later) regularly reminded me about how much he couldn’t stand when I was hilarious, and witty, and intelligent, and funny. Which, obviously, was all the time. Like every single day. His resentment grew so big it smushed every single hair follicle off of his head. That’s the first time I’ve told that story publicly. Thank you for saving space for that.

While the name of this pubic-lation is Divorcee Diary, we will be exploring all the nooks and crannies of my wildly exciting, active life. That was a joke, you fucking idiots. I don’t exercise and you can’t gaslight me into thinking I have to. I am fireproof, bitch. And this pubic-lation is going to walk you through how a precious, innocent, perfect baby Allison was abducted by a below average in every category man, and then he brainwashed her and made her hate herself and everyone else. It’s going to get messy. People might get offended. My attorney is still on retainer (Kristin - I’ll call you tomorrow). I am unapologetic of the choices that I have made, and by the power vested in me, I will be early terminated from supervised probation with the State of Colorado early. Because I graduated early. Because I fuckin’ aced it. Crushed it. Oh fuck, ya’ll don’t know about the incarceration yet. See? I’m getting distracted again. Buckle up.

Let’s light this candle.