Pressed Pork Personality

Extra sauce, hopefully.

Our personalities are what make us unique. Unless you have a personality disorder, and that makes you a statistic. It’s probably your mother’s fault; I hope you are in therapy. An exclusive blend of DNA, lived experience, feelings, trauma, good choices, bad choices, viral clips, and Daddy issues, our personality is our brand. Our brands are always subject to change, and as humans, we are constantly evolving. If I’m being honest, a lot of you are evolving backwards. If that offended you, good. Now we know who the weakest links are, and you are not safe here. You should be learning how to use critical thinking skills, not reading about how to craft the perfect personality. Which is not what this article is about, but thinking is hard for you. We’ve established that much.

People rebrand all the time. Sometimes it’s after a breakup, or another significant life event, like incarceration. Sometimes it’s after your archived Internet activity goes viral, everyone finds out you’re a racist, and you get cancelled. Or when your ex writes a tell all and exposes who you really are on Substack. There’s many reasons why people seek to escape the person they’ve become, but there’s some personality traits you can’t out run, and you can’t out hide. Let’s take this outside, how bout that?

We all have friends who are so passionate about something, their passion becomes contagious. So contagious, little glimmers of that passion stick around in the hearts of their loved ones, forever. Kind of like herpes, but inside their hearts, not their genitals. Sometimes it’s dormant, sometimes it flares. One thing is for certain: the glimmers come in bursts, and stick around for a limited time only. Just like a certain seasonal sandwich that has earned a permanent place on my list of perfect personality traits. Yeah, that sandwich. IYKYK. Let’s gooooooooo.

I fucking love the McRib. You don’t? I didn’t ask, and I don’t care. Have you asked your toilet how it feels about you eating produce in the year 2026? I have the microphone, god damnit. I’m the one in charge here, and now I’m going to use this platform to tell you all the reasons why the McRib is iconic, delicious, and the most revered sandwich in the history of this country. Finally, a contribution to the world that our Founding Daddies will respect.

Let’s start with the meat. It’s rich, salty, and succulent. A classified blend of minced pork and other mystery meats, molded into a perfection patty, and seasoned just right. What’s in it is not my business. Would you ask a drug dealer to show you their ingredient list? Does your drug dealer have an ingredient list available to you? If the answer is no, you may want to find a more responsible drug dealer. People are dying, Kim. At least that’s what they tell me on the news; I don’t leave my house for a reason. My point is: I don’t give a fuck what’s in the McRib, because it’s delicious, and it’s my favorite.

The porky perfection patty is then ready to be baptized, and it’s about to get saucy. McRib sauce is elite. It’s different than their standard bbq sauce, and the reason is probably top secret. I don’t have a security clearance at McDonald’s, and I don’t have time to get one either. That also sounds like something that would require hard pants, and for that reason alone, I am out. The McRib sauce is thicker than their everyday bbq sauce, and the taste is much richer. I’m not a sauce expert, so you’re just going to have to trust me on this one. I cannot determine the flavor profile of a sauce without closed captions, and unfortunately, they’re not available in my area at this time. The McRib is also not available in my area at this time. That’s a damn shame.

The buns on a McRib are so good, rappers write songs about them. You know how people go to different countries to get a BBL? I would do that. For the McRib, if it were sold outside of the United States, and it was the off season here. Come to think of it though, other countries probably don’t sell things like the McRib to the general public. But they should, for obvious reasons.

Back to the buns. They’re the perfect shape for the patty. It’s toasted just right - but, now that I’m thinking about it, that could just be food coloring. If you scoffed at that, just know you’re giving “you should take her swimming on the first date” vibes. Be better. You’re wearing a hat for a reason (bald).

Another reason the McRib is so beloved is because it’s for a limited time only. No one knows when that time is going to be, except for Ronald McDonald himself. Some years, McRib Season is in the fall, some years it’s in the winter. It’s likely based on the full moon schedule, like leap years, and Easter. But some years, when the Hamburglar doesn’t see his shadow, McRib Season doesn’t come at all. Those years are tough, like drought years for farmers. The McRib’s flighty and inconsistent nature adds to its allure; one day it’s here, and the next it’s gone. Just like that guy you matched with on Tinder who had a wife and four children that ghosted you. Fuck you, Rick. With absolutely no warning, the McRib is just gone. It’s unfair. Abandonment issues? Triggered. It really IS all men. But nevertheless, we persist.

The McRib has become one of my favorite personality traits. People that I haven’t talked to in a decade will randomly send me McRib content because they thought of me. I have become synonymous with a molded pork sandwich, and I think that’s beautiful. Poetic, really; so many similarities.

Like the McRib, I have a cult following (that’s called manifesting). I’m pressed, saucy, and no one can really figure out what is going on inside of me. The buns and meat are gollywhoppered, and things are a fucking mess. Just like people download the McRib Locator (guilty), my ex also regularly tracked my location. I’m always in high demand, and people miss me when I’m gone. The Irish Goodbye is my signature move. Lucky for you, I have no plans on being around here for a limited time only (threat).

What personality trait adds the most value to your brand?