Imagine this: you and your friend are out in the wilderness. I am not included in this scenario, as I am the narrator, so I am observing from the comfort of my own home, for obvious reasons. As a general rule, I don’t fuck with wilderness.
Back to the woods. Ya’ll are doing whatever people do in the wilderness. I would imagine there’s a fire, unless there are active fire bans, bc we are responsible citizens. Probably some camping chairs, a folding table, and maybe a tent, if you’re into that, and feeling courageous. There’s also other equipment, depending on your plans, but there is no cell phone service. You both know that while you are legally allowed to own firearms, that doesn’t mean you should.
But oh my fucking god. I just stifled a scream, because there is a man wearing a MAGA hat behind your friend, and he’s holding a sign with blown up anti-abortion propaganda on it. He doesn’t know that the sonogram is actually not of a human baby, but a squirrel baby; nevertheless, he is confident. It’s important to add that he also has a gun (bad), and he’s barely pushing 5’8 (extra bad). It feels important to add, he is also bald (extra extra bad). This is quite possibly the worst case scenario, because what the fuck are you going to do about it? He’s also wearing a Charlie Kirk FREEDOM shirt and Hey Dudes. There’s reflective sunglasses involved that mimic ski goggles. This is not good, at all.
You’re put in what feels like an impossible situation, because not only can you sense the danger, you can see it. It’s right there, but your friend is completely unaware as to what is happening. While you’re trying to fast track an impossible decision, you blink, and poof. The threat has disappeared, leaving no trace behind. Who the fuck was that guy? What will you do if the danger returns? When you don’t know what to look for, this impossible task becomes even more impossible. Your friend is also completely unaware that any of this took place, by the way.
What if I told you that’s happening to you on a regular basis, you just don’t realize it?
We now know that the majority of what we learned growing up was quite literally just for shits and giggles. There’s simply no other reasonable explanation. I’ve never once used the quadratic equation (or is it formula..) IRL, and all the Founding Daddies were racist pieces of shit, come to find out. Don’t even get me started on the fucking moon landing.
I would like to present the following cold case to the group for consideration: why the fuck were we taught that abuse is an acceptable love language? And why are we still tolerating it? He’s not being mean to you because he likes you. He’s being mean to you because he fucking hates you. You’ve just been taught that love is hard, and that your value is tied to what you can provide to those around you. I’m really sorry, because none of that is true. This entire time, you’ve been playing a board game with the wrong set of rules.
Every human being is deserving of safe love.
Most of us grew up unknowingly associating chaos with comfort, which isn’t our fault. How can you know that your environment is toxic, if you’ve never experienced anything different? How would you possibly know that the uneasy feeling that lives permanently inside you is a symptom of a much, much bigger problem?
According to NISVS survey data from 2024, in the United States, 30% of women will experience psychological aggression by an intimate partner at some point in their lives. 27% of those women will experience covert physiological aggression by their intimate partner. Remember the MAGA with the poster? That motherfucker was covert psychological aggression, and he’s a real fucking problem.
So what do we do about it? This issue is far more prevalent than most realize. Women are in danger, and the call is coming from inside the house. I know, because I lived it, and if I would’ve stayed, I would not have made it out alive. I knew I was in danger, but what was I supposed to do? How can you admit to everyone that, while the plots are similar, the book and the movie depicting your life are completely different?
I knew that my marriage was over the day that I announced my shocking pregnancy to my first husband. It’s giving Kady Heron not telling Regina George she was about to get hit by that bus, even though Kady could very clearly see the bus was about to hit Regina, energy. In that situation, he was Kady. I was Regina, and I was about to get hit by his aBUSe. Thank GOD I didn’t wind up in a neck brace. The sensory issues alone would’ve been unbearable, and, because it feels important right now, both my arms were broken when I told him this. I couldn’t handle anything else. I know, we’ll discuss that later.
The thing about coercive control is that you can’t see it, but it’s always there. Lurking around, like that creepy MAGA guy in the woods, or the Holy Spirit, if you’re religious. Feeling a little uneasy about that? Well, that is by design. Nothing about coercive control is an accident. When was the last time you accidentally read all of your partner’s text messages without their consent? Exactly.
Statistically speaking, it takes a survivor seven times before they successfully exit an abusive relationship. Trauma bonds have been proven to be more addictive than heroin. My first attempt at leaving my marriage was in 2023; several failed attempts followed, until I was finally successful in March of 2025. I felt trapped, and I was scared. I’ve never even tried heroin, how could this have happened?
I started seeking out ways that I could support other women, not knowing why. I just knew I needed to help other women. I needed to get out of my marriage, and I needed help. I didn’t know what that would look like at the time, I just felt a strong urge to support other women in a tangible, immediate way. That altruistic energy inside of me is what ultimately saved my life.
I signed up to volunteer at Crossroads Safehouse, and was chosen to join their Domestic Abuse Response Team. This felt like such an honor, truly. Between my professional background and volunteering experience, this felt like the perfect fit. DART is a program, provided by Crossroads, that ensures a specially trained advocate is present alongside law enforcement to provide emotional support to survivors during domestic violence calls.
I completed 40 hours of domestic violence training; a mixture of online modules and in person learning. I also read the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancraft, which should be required reading for every single high school aged person in this country. Because, damn. If you haven’t read it, you should; there are free PDFs available online if cost is a barrier.
I knew, very quickly into the training, that what I was experiencing at home could no longer be excused as just an angry husband. No, I was being abused, and it had been ongoing our entire marriage. I just didn’t know it, because I was never taught what that really looks like, and it’s very likely that you weren’t taught either.
But you’re about to get learnt, because I am holding a dry erase board. Actually, it’s on an easel, because the barometric pressure has now dropped and my wrists hurt. They are much too damaged to hold things for long periods of time, even in the best of conditions. There are two columns we need to fill out - one has your intimate partner’s name at the top, and the other column has your best friend’s name at the top. And no, they can’t be the same person. Because if that’s the case, then you likely have been isolated from your support system, but that isn’t your fault, and you probably didn’t even realize it was happening. If that’s the case, choose someone who is important to you that isn’t your spouse.
Now in each column, I want you to write adjectives to describe how each of these relationships make you feel. Remember what Taylor Swift told us, nobody sees when you lose when you’re playing Solitaire, so I want you to really be honest here. This is for your eyes only, and you can even just do the columns in your mind, if your brain is organized enough. If you have a shitty best friend, this isn’t going to go well. I hope that’s not the case.
What are the differences in the two, if any? Is that the outcome you expected? Now let’s move on, and evaluate your every day life.
If you’re often feeling confused, or like you’re always walking on eggshells: that is abuse. You are entitled to emotional safety and security, and keeping you on edge is not something you do to someone you love. Kind is clear, like Brene Brown said, and she was right. The anxiety you feel is by design; when you are confused and anxious, your mental capacity naturally decreases. Your brain always questioning things takes a lot of energy, and when you’re tired, you aren’t as resilient. This is all intentional; so they remain in control.
If your partner diminishes your feelings, tells you what or how you’re allowed to feel, or tries to rewrite history: that is abuse. That is gaslighting, and it is a very dangerous manipulation tactic to make you question your own reality. No one gets to decide what you are allowed to feel, ever. Trust your memory, trust your gut. You will never regret trusting your intuition. Unless your intuition is telling you to get bangs. If that happens, whatever you do: DO NOT GET BANGS. Do. Not. Get. Bangs. Call your therapist instead. That is a warning sign you do not ignore. Just ask Emily.
If your partner makes fun of you in front of others, insults you, calls you names, or makes you feel badly about yourself: that is abuse. It doesn’t matter if they are doing it under the guise of a joke - it’s not a joke, if you’re not laughing too. Your embarrassment and hurt shouldn’t be entertainment for someone else. You deserve better than that. It feels important to add that Emily’s bangs are something we both laugh at, because they are part of our combined lore. That’s very different. I also asked for her consent before banging her in this article, because we are Girl’s Girls and we love consent.
If you are carrying the entire domestic load for your household: that is abuse. If you’ve stopped asking for help, because there’s really no point, that is because your partner has been utilizing weaponized incompetence, which is also abuse. They have intentionally left tasks incomplete, pretended they don’t know how to properly do it, or intentionally did things incorrectly, so you just stop asking. What’s the point? It’s easier for you to just do it yourself. That is abuse. Treating your partner like the domestic help is not a marriage; that is slavery.
If you are the primary parent for your children, and your spouse has chosen to be physically present but doesn’t participate in parenting, that is abuse. If you are unable to attend doctor’s appointments or grab coffee with a friend because your partner remains unwilling or incapable of keeping your children, that is abuse.
If you are hesitant to buy basic supplies for your home, or if your spouse puts intense parameters around your spending, but the rule doesn’t apply to them: that is abuse. If your spouse monitors your spending, takes away your access to finances, or guilt trips you about reasonable purchases, that is not healthy, loving behavior. That is abuse, and it is unacceptable. You deserve full access to all finances, and you shouldn’t have to ask first.
If your partner is reading your texts/emails, reading your mail, or tracking your location without your knowledge and/or consent: that is abuse. This includes utilizing the USPS Digest (where they email you what’s coming in the mail in advance) to monitor what is in the mailbox. I don’t care if it is under the guise of care and concern, because that is a fucking lie, full stop.
If your partner goes through your personal belongings without you knowing, or without your consent, that is also abuse. Just because you are married does not mean that you do not deserve your own space, privacy, and autonomy. Why were we not taught that?
If you’ve just stopped bothering with going out to do things you once enjoyed, because it’s just not worth the conflict and trouble anymore, or because you believe your spouse will not provide proper care to your children while you are away: that is abuse. You deserve to live a full life, and that includes a life away from your spouse. This is isolation. But your spouse never told you that you couldn’t, so how is that abuse? I’m just being dramatic, right?
This is just the new version of you - a homebody. You’ve gaslit yourself into believing that this was a choice made for you by you, when really, this was the outcome your spouse was aiming for all along. What really happened was your spouse made it so hard to enjoy yourself when you were away, you just stopped trying all together. If I’m just answering texts like “where do you keep the diapers” “when are you coming home?” all night? That’s not enjoyable, and it’s not worth your time. It’s not your fault, that was their intention, after all, and it worked. I did it too, and I didn’t even realize it. It’s called covert coercion for a reason, girl.
When I was married to my first husband, he would literally sort through our shared dirty clothes hamper and carefully select just his clothing to wash, leaving the rest behind for me to deal with. There were times I would start a load of laundry and forget about it; too many plates spinning at one time, and I never signed up to be a fucking jester. If he became impatient with the timing of the clothing transfer from the washer to the dryer, he would literally sort through the washer, cherry picking only his wet clothing to transfer to the dryer, leaving the rest behind.
You already know that he did it with the dryer too. How humiliating. I’m honestly picturing him bent over the dryer just searching around for that last sock. It’s like watching a stripper pick up her dollar bills. Secondhand embarrassment. No wonder his back hurt all the time. It had nothing to do with dentistry, and everything to do with bending over to snatch his panties back.
If I left clean clothing in the dryer too long, he would take the clothing out, carry it across the house, drop it in the middle of the couch, and walk away. If I fell behind on laundry, sometimes he would really jazz up his performance, throwing everything into the washer, then to the dryer, and then he would throw it all on the counter in the laundry room. A mountain out of a molehill, what a task. He would repeat this until all laundry in the home for five humans is clean. Did he fold it? No. He did the laundry, though. What else did I expect?
I had three kids (all very different ages), three dogs to care for (two of them were his brothers, but that wasn’t his problem), an abusive husband who was always angry, a five bedroom house to keep clean, I also had to manage the yard maintenance/snow removal, all the administrative tasks that come with running a household of five separate individuals, and somehow, find a moment for myself to do things like take a shower or go to the dentist (fucking ew). I hated my life so much, and he intentionally made everything so much worse.
Love shouldn’t be hard, it’s actually really easy, when it’s real. Love doesn’t hurt, it actually feels really, really good. Is there conflict in healthy relationships? Of course. But you don’t have to remind the other party that they’re on your side. You don’t have to explain to a grown person why their behavior is harmful. There is accountability, and there is healthy repair. I know it’s realistic, because I was fortunate enough to experience it, after my divorce.
If it’s easier when your spouse is away, there’s a reason for that. If you have resonated with anything in this article, please know that none of this is your fault. You did nothing wrong, and you don’t deserve to be treated badly. You deserve safe love, we all do.
There’s a revolution happening, in real time, right the fuck now. The Great Divorce. Women are gathering, and we are exchanging notes. Only this time, they’re not on intricately folded notebook paper, written in glitter pens, using code names. No, this time, we’re doing it online, which does include code names, sometimes. We are gossiping and the tea is piping hot. We might be hiring psychics and witches on Etsy.
But we are off and going, The Revolution 2.0 is happening and there’s nothing stopping this train. We are literally running a train on the patriarchy. Are you in?